PLEASE–Do NOT Give Your Power Away! – DVSur5r (Domestic Violence Survivor)

Who knew that making decisions was dangerous? I know that if you identify as a victim or survivor of an abusive partner, YOU KNOW. You know that every decision you make is fraught with emotional landmines–“damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Trying to dodge them all is exhausting, I know (from first-hand experience). Making the “wrong” decision puts you, or your children, in danger. I have worked with many survivors over the years who have asked me to tell them what to do, to make decisions for them. The only honest answer I MUST give is this:

1) YOU are the EXPERT on your life–no one else. Only YOU know ALL of your past and present circumstances. Even if you convey “everything” that has happened to others, we can only understand the NATURE of your victimization, but we cannot truly know everything that has or has not happened.

2) Only YOU (and your children) will live the outcome–good or bad–of decisions that are made. No one else should be comfortable dictating the fortunes of your life.

3) Anyone who IS comfortable dictating your life is likely NOT a safe person.

4) Your partner has taken your power for far too long; you MUST take your own power back. Please do not offer to give it away to others any more–not even to people you trust! I truly know it is hard making decisions again, but you must. You will make decisions that improve your situation; you will make ones that you regret. I promise. But the victory comes in your MAKING THEM YOURSELF.

5) It’s not about the decision; it’s about who will take power. When it comes to making decisions around your counter-parent/former partner, you must know: it will NEVER MATTER what decision you make, because for them it is not about whether you choose a “right” or “wrong” answer. (THEY WILL almost ALWAYS MAKE IT THE “WRONG” ANSWER–or the only “right” answer is to give into their demands.) It is about watching you, like a worm on a hook, wriggle in fear, discomfort, dismay, inaction. Abusive partners/co-parents THRIVE on watching you twist in the wind. Your agonizing over taking your power is GIVING THEM MORE POWER (and entertainment).

Make a decision, and document for the courts (or anyone else who makes decisions about your life) why you believed your choice to be the right one. Make decisions:

In your children’s best interests first–and document then who, what, where, when, why and how;
In your best interests (document); and then
In anyone else’s interests.

It bears repeating: never, Never, NEVER give your power away again. Anyone who would take it is likely to be an abuser.