DVSur5r’s Practically Predictable Priorities of Domestic Abusers

Pssst! I have a secret to share with you. I don’t know you, but I’ll bet–if you’re reading this website because you are a victim of intimate partner violence–that I know your partner. I don’t know HIM. But I know who he is by his priorities, based on 20+ years and 2000+ “opposing parties” in domestic violence work. I have this same conversation with everyone I help, and to date, I have yet to find the person who says, “Nope. You’re wrong–you don’t know him at all.”

To be clear, this list does NOT apply to “all men,” just to domestic violence perpetrators (if you’re not one, chill). So, here goes: if you are being abused, these are likely your abusive partner’s Practically Predictable Priorities:

He, Himself and Him: his needs, his wants, his desires, his image, his goals, his dreams, his job, his “winning”–his dominating; in short, HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM. (If he’s not winning, retaliation, revenge or retribution takes its place.)
His Money: make no mistake, his money is his money, and your money is his money. Even the children’s money, or your dead parents’ money, is his money. All of it. Even if you earn it. His. He will spend hundreds of thousands of HIS dollars to ensure that you do not get his tens of thousands in child support or alimony. It’s important that you believe me on this point, because if he’s “forced” to spend money on legal fees for too long, he will fight for full custody of the children. Statistically speaking, because he is a perpetrator of domestic violence, he is highly likely to WIN.
His House, His Toys, His Assets: don’t even think of laying claim to the house, apartment, summer shack, RV, camper, tent, snowmobiles, motorcycles–and definitely not the cars. It matters not that he can’t actually drive two things at once; even if it’s registered in your name, it’s really His. If you got your great grandma’s pearl necklace–if it has any value he can exploit–it’s his. If he “allows” you to keep it, he’ll expect you to give back at least half of its dollar value in cash, should you split (no joke–I actually saw a perp who wanted $25 from his victim for half of the value of her sewing machine!). If you signed over the deed to your house, you’re majorly screwed. He’s already looking for a way to permanently absorb that asset.
His “Peeps,” or Allies: even if he doesn’t have any actual “friends,” he knows how to build social equity by charming or schmoozing everyone around him (those he can’t charm, he threatens until they go away, so you’re still left with few–if any–friends). He hates kids; won’t spend time at home with his own, but will coach Little League just for the social equity of proving what a “wonderful, caring father” he is. Everyone loves him (except the few wise friends who hate him so much, they never see you anymore). He carefully “manages” everyone’s perceptions of him and you–and he’s fully prepared to sacrifice you and your reputation with a well-placed, “She’s a bitter, violent, lying, lazy, crazy, drunken, drugging, money-grubbing slut.” What is incredibly sad is the way, too many times, that perpetrators “win over” the victim’s friends and family. I don’t have to tell you this–you already know, because he’s already told you: he has “everyone” in his back pocket. The good news here? Abusers only tell about 10% of the truth at any given time, so if you are careful, discerning, you can still find allies he hasn’t poisoned against you (your kids are likely the first, because they have a front-row seat to what a shyster he really is).
IF he likes animals, His Pets: many abusers actually engage in animal abuse, but if yours happens to like animals, they come next on his list. (You’re likely expected to do the hard work of pet-owning, though–much like you have to with child rearing. You are most definitely in the role of “pooper scooper.”) If he doesn’t like animals, and you have pets when you flee for your life? You better take them with you, because pets have a way of “accidentally” dying or disappearing when abusers want to threaten their families to come back.
His Children: everyone gives me a shocked look on this one, but it is TRUE. Abusers cannot be bothered to do the “hard work” of parenting: they would rather go to a prostate exam than change a dirty diaper; they don’t know your children’s friends, or favorites; they’ve never seen the inside of the doctor’s office or school room* (*unless they can build social equity)–heck, many don’t even know their children’s ages or birth dates! (Really!) The ONLY time they exhibit interest in the children is when they “get something” for it. Your children are at high risk for neglect or accidental damage when you leave them home alone with him, because HE CAN’T BE BOTHERED. Please believe me on this, too.
You: (This really should be all lower case, unitalicized, and unbolded). You are not his priority, because in his world, everything is “win/lose,” “dominate/submit,” or “master/ servant.” He will never be the loser submissive servant. NEVER. That, by necessity, puts you in that cellar. He decides all rules, all roles. And for “everything he gives you,” you get to read his mind and anticipate his every wish. Yes, he was really wonderful at first–that was him “hooking” you into the relationship, much like pedophiles lure and groom children. Now he’s got you, he doesn’t need to try. And you better appreciate it down there at the bottom, because he will retaliate if you don’t.
Your Children: if you have children that aren’t his, they are the scrapings of dog doo on the bottom of his shoes. Really. If they’re lucky, they will merely be miserable. If they’re not, they will be abused and treated as servants, just like you. Having children that are not his is recognized as a risk factor for lethality; be very cautious when entrusting your children to his care. Note: if children move up an abuser’s priority list, it is imperative that you watch for signs of sexual abuse (see “Other Resources”).

One last word of caution: abusers do NOT have the capacity to love children as people with their own needs, wants, goals, dreams, etc. An abuser will expect children in the home–even infants (for instance, your abusive partner may demand to be fed before you try to breastfeed your crying infant)–to meet his needs first, and then they (the children) are expected to meet their own. Anyone who actively abuses their children’s primary caretaker, by default, cannot be a “good parent” as that behavior alone demonstrates their incapacity to put their children’s needs before their own.

Your knowledge of this list is important; it may help you to predict his future behavior. Knowing his priorities–what makes him “tick”–will guide your safety, financial and legal planning, for you and your children.